The Tale of Theon's Cock
by meera reed
Summary: In the land of Winterfell, there lived a Greyjoy...
1. Chapter 1

The Tale of Theon's Cock

In the land of Westeros, there lived a young lad by the name of Theon Greyjoy. His was a well known name among the people of the North, and even in the South. Possibly, in the West, and perhaps the East, even. The folk of Westeros, however, did not know Theon for _just_ his name, though. Nor did they know him for his Lord Father, Balon Greyjoy, and the revolution he hosted not many years before. Not even for his standing as the ward of Eddard Stark. No, no. What Theon was known for was something much more... _intimate_.

His cock.

Many a time, people would find themselves pondering the mysteries of this particular member, their minds contemplating how it worked on so many ladies. It was truly a daunting thought, similar to the creation of the universe. There could never be a definite conclusion to the source of Theon's great dick power, it was just another legend in the making.

But, that being said, it was in a small pub that this very mystery was questioned.

A bard, strangely reminiscent of a younger Ned Stark, stood atop a bucket, his voice soaring over the likes of the others. "IN THE LAAAAAAND OF WINTERFELL, THERE LIVED A GREYJOY." He began, but as though on queue, Theon Greyjoy himself walked through the tavern doors.

"I'll have two mugs of ale," He spoke to the barmaid, Bethyn. "One for me and one for the pretty lady," Theon winked at a young girl sitting on the bar, though she gave only a roll of the eyes in reply.

Theon laughed at her resistance, slapping the man that sat next to her and watching as he quickly galloped away, "Only trying to have a bit of fun." He explained, sitting on the barstool, "But for real, when you play the game of Theons, you drink with me or you die."

"Why?"

Theon looked aghast, no one had ever questioned his ways before. Who was this strange stranger? "What? _Why? Why? _Because, that is the way it has always been, wench!" He sent a wink towards Bethyn, "Bethyn knows, the whore." She giggled a whore-y giggle, "You drink with me and then we have sex and you marvel at the wonders of my penis. That's how it works here." Everyone in the pub cheered.

"What is so special about your penis?" She asked, and Theon spit his drink out onto Bethyn's chest. She laughed in response to this. Such a whore.

"What is so- are you joking?" He stared at her incredulously, the entire room suddenly engulfed in the silence, hanging on what words would soon come after. The silence was put to an end however, as the bard sang out suddenly:

"NEXT STORY IS ABOUT A HEAD, SITTIN ON A SPIKE, THE HEAD STRANGELY LOOKS A LOT LIKE MINE... ONLY ITS NOT."

It was.

"Who are you?" Theon demanded of the girl. Never in his 19 years had he been in such a situation with a woman before. _It only goes to show_, he thought, _it only goes to show_. What it was that went to show is still unknown, however.

"No one." She answered, sipping from the ale at hand.

"Well," Theon scoffed, "_No one, _how about we take this party upstairs so I can show you what you've been missing in your sad, pathetic life?" Insulting the girl always helped, he found. Even though, that never helped.

Stormbasket began dancing like a man, slipping on a banana peel and earning a laugh from the crowds and a broken nose. "May Brother Irmo grant you a fast recovery!" Said a man in the back. No one knew what the fuck he was talking about.

"No." The girl answered stubbornly, and Theon, enraged at this change in events leapt up on the bar.

"Fine! Then you shall _all_ see the glory of my cock!" No one knew why he was doing this, though they all watched with interest. A hundred leagues away, Balon Greyjoy shivered.

Before Dresslad had the time to work this into his song, Theon unfastened his skirts and pants, letting them fall to reveal a glowing, golden light emulating from his midsection.

"He smells of the sea..." A woman named Ruinwen muttered, no one knew the relevance of this comment, but as they were all too fascinated with Theon's rod of life.

"Behold people of Westeros!" He sang out, suddenly all his words were like music to the ears of all those in the pub. It was as though Theon himself was one of the gods... the god of cock. He looked proudly around the room, satisfaction building in him at the amazed looks on all the faces. His cock was certainly spellbinding. Finally, his eyes fell on the young girl who questioned his grace, and he noticed that a tear had fallen from her eye.

"So... beautiful," She sobbed, and Theon pulled his garments back on, hopping down from the bar and gracefully landing on his feet.

"Come, girl, let us celebrate this beauty with a fuck." He took her hand, leading her away to the one of the over night rooms. A fine lover he would make, indeed. (Ask Bethyn, the whore)

"Fuck..." A man whispered, looking around at the others in the bar, all mutually in confusion over how one cock could have so much power.

And from this day on, the mystery of Theons dick was never questioned again.

* * *

A/N: Before you ask in a review that I will most likely not care about, no. No, this is not serious. And yes, this is troll, Congratulations for figuring it out! Also, Happy Birthday, Casey, you perfect human being! 3


	2. Chapter 2

The Tale of Theon's Cock

Theon was laying on the bed, naked save a pair of socks to keep his feetsies warm. It was Business Time, after all. He had his hands resting behind his head as he stared at the ceiling with an odd sense of satisfaction. _I am the master of cock, _He thought to himself with a smug smile on his face. Looking to his left, he studied the sleeping girl beside him. She'd been a decent fuck, he'd had better, that much was certain. He scoffed quietly, "Only good for one thing."

She must have heard him, because she stirred, her green eyes opening slightly. "Good morning," Her sweet, small voice was still laced with sleep. _No longer innocent_, he thought, _My cock is a coming of age_.

Theon did not reply immediately, instead he stood up, stretching and pulling on his shirt. "It's not morning," He stated shortly after a moment, "We're still in the dark hours, idiot." He looked sadly down upon his rod of life one last time before pulling his pants up.

The girl said nothing to this, to which he was grateful. He hated when whores spoke too much, their mouths had better uses after all. _Good one, _he thought to himself, mentally patting himself on the ass.

"You never told me your name," Theon said lazily, looking over at her for a moment. He felt as though he should say _something_, since she wasn't speaking. What was she waiting for? Breakfast?He thought on it no longer before turning back to check himself out in the dirty mirror. Even in a dirty mirror he looked fine as hell. _Damn, _he thought, _damn. _

"Names are not important in affairs like these." She said quietly, brushing her hair.

"You can say that again," He spoke curtly.

"Names are no-"

"No," He said, "No."

x

When he emerged once more upon the lively little pub, it was late in the night, yes, but it was never too late to be in the most booming pub in Westeros. Theon was pleased to see he was met with many hearty greetings and offers to have drinks bought for him. _Finally getting the attention I deserve, _He thought to himself, winking at a few young girls with dresses that dawned his name in stitches. _If only Father could see this, _he thought, _Why the fuck am I thinking so much, _he thought, _Do I usually think this much? _He thought, _What the fuck is going on, _he thought.

Thankfully, a hooded figure pulled him from his thoughts, handing him a mug of ale. "Here, young lad. The drink is on me!" The man slapped Theon on the back, and for a second he was sad that it wasn't instead on his ass. "May Brother Irmo grant you a long, happy lifetime." Theon had not a thought on what the fuck we was talking about, but accepted the mug gladly, downing it quickly. When he looked back to see the man who had given him the drink, Theon was surprised to see he was no longer there. _It only goes to show, _he thought_._

"Faring well, Lord Greyjoy?" Came the whore-y voice of Bethyn, he turned to look at her, and his face assumed a look of disgust. She sat perched over the bar, pushing her breasts out in such a manner that he thought they could be used as flotation devices.

"How I fare is none of your concern! You whore!" She merely giggled in reply.

Such a whore.

"IN THE LAND OF SWEET LUVIN," Dresslad the Bard sang, continuing on from a song that Theon had believed to be about a young boy getting pleasured, if you catch his drift (Joffrey, we're looking at you). Theon flipped a coin into the slushee cup he had placed out for tips, winking as well. He liked to help the small guys, mostly because it made himself look good, but also because- no, actually, that was the only reason.

"Hey, Theon!" Someone called from behind him, and he turned around to see a guy around his age approaching him.

"Yes?"

"I'm a big fan of your cock!" The guy said, pulling out a painting of Theon and motioning for him to sign it. "You're an inspiration to all of us, dude." Theon signed the painting proudly.

A young child pulled on his sleeve and Theon turned quickly to meet the small child, "What is it, child?" He asked, not unkindly. Maybe the kids mother was a MILF, who knew?

"Excuse me, ser, but can you tell me how you are so great with the ladies?"

Theon chuckled, "It is not something to explain, kid. _It is known._"

"It is known." Irri repeated from behind, and no one knew where she came from.

"I wish that I'll be as cool as you when I grow up!"

Theon gave out a hearty laugh, kneeling down so he was eye level with the child. He heard two girls sigh with affection nearby, was an threesome in his future? _Oh gods, please. _He placed his hand on the boys shoulder, moving piano music suddenly playing in the background as he began to speak. "Maybe you will, boy." He wouldn't. "But remember this... with a great dick comes great responsibility."

Suddenly remembering something, he reached in his pocket, pulling out a small plastic package and handing it to the child. "One day, you may need this. I never have, but you know," He shrugged as the boy placed the condom in his pocket. It was probably best the kid didn't procreate anyway, he looked dumb.

"Gee, thanks, mister!"

"Anytime," Theon replied with a wink before looked at the camera.

"Anytime."


	3. Chapter 3

The Tale of Theon's Cock

Theon stood leaning against the wooden counter of the bar, looking proudly upon the scene before him. The pub, so thankful for hosting the presence of Theon and his dick, decided to allow all drinks to be half off for the pub dwellers. They called it "cock-off tuesday", which Theon didn't really understand seeing as it was Saturday and there was no indication of it being half off in the name, but oh well. As they said in the lands across the narrow sea, YOLO.

"The prices should be doubled instead," Theon said to the whore, Bethyn, "In honour of size, if you catch my drift wood." Bethyn giggled a whore-y giggle in reply to this, winking as well as Theon rolled his eyes. _Been there, done that. _In truth, however, Theon cared not about prices. He was just thankful for getting the attention he so obviously deserved. He was being treated like a prince, almost.

"Hey!" A voice pulled Theon from his smug thoughts, and he turned to see an acquaintance of his. Chris, his name was. "Theon, mate, how doth thee fare? I've heard much talk of your cock! They say it's the greatest..." Chris suddenly got very serious, "_In the world._"

"Well," Theon scoffed, "They are right." Downing the rest of his drink and grabbing his junk Michael Jackson style, he spoke again, "This beauty pierces like a sword!"

Chris sat on a bay of hale, sipping from his mug of ale. "It's amazing... and if anyone doesn't think it's amazing, they should think it's amazing."

Just then, the doors to the pub opened again, hitting Stormbasket (who was too preoccupied with dancing to notice) in the nose. No one shouted out the blessings of Brother Irmo this time, for they must have finally realised that no one knew what the fuck they were talking about. Attention stayed not on the little faggorman, however, but instead focused on the entrance of a young woman. She walked in slowly, accompanied by three others, and pulled back her hood to reveal long, flowing blonde curls and fair skin. She wore dark clothes, complimenting her fair skin, and had dark eyes, contrasting with her fair hair, and she had a fair smile, complimenting some dark feature.

Theon just stood there, mouth agape, not knowing what da fuck to say. _I must have her... sexually. _He snapped his fingers, signalling for Bethyn to get him another drink. "It's business time," He whispered to himself, as he always did before making a move on the prey. Ever since he was a young lad in the Iron Islands... those were his words of wisdom.

Swaggering over to the lassy, Theon handed her the drink, winking at her friends as he spoke. "Tell me sweet cheeks, does the carpet match the drapes?" He rose an eyebrow, mentally patting himself on the ass (lol joffrey). _God, I'm so smooth._

The girl laughed in reply, flipping her hair over her shoulder and offering her hand. "I'm Casey Took." When he kissed her hand in greeting, she continued, "And you must be Theon Greyjoy. I have heard _a lot_ about you." Theon was not so slow as to not catch the quick glance she made to his midsection. And a smile found it's way to his face, as he once more mentally patted himself on the ass, _That was easier than expected. _Shespoke on though, "These are my friends. Bonquiqui from Qarth, Lylee from Highgarden, and Keesa from Kings Landing."

"A pleasure to meet you all," Theon said with forced pleasantry, but soon led Casey away from her companions. "You know," he began, "I don't usually offer this to people I've just met, but if you should like a private viewing... the show beings when you want it to." He looked down towards his buddy before looking back to her, and she blushed in reply.

"Just for me?"

"Anything for mah princess." But it was not Theon who spoke those words, instead it was a hooded figure who quickly then pushed through them and left, muttering something about a maid named Lisa and betrayal.

Theon shrugged it off, "Yeah, just for you. Come le-" But before Theon could finish his sentence, Casey's friend, Bonquiqui, came out of literally nowhere and tripped. She grabbed Theon's trousers for support, though they helped not and only were pulled down.

"What are you doing, wench!" He cried out, trying to stop his pants from falling but then deciding he didn't really care. Why not show off some of his beauty? But what happened next was most unexpected, for as his pants dropped and the golden light shone through the pub, Bonquiqui looked far too long and cried out in pain.

"What is happening?" She sobbed, her eyes glued to the golden member.

"You are unworthy!" Theon shouted, "Look away!" But, before the sentence could be completed, Bonquiqui was turned to dust..

"Another one bites the dust..." Lylee said quietly, looking upon the ashes of her fallen friend.

"Fuck..." Whispered Bran.

Theon brought his pants up, fastening the belt tightly. Didn't want anymore wenches to die tonight. That would probably taint his public image, after all. Gotta be safe about these things. He was only sorry that it wasn't Bethyn. Sigh.

He turned to Casey, feigning a look of concern. "I am sorry you had to see that, milady. Those who are unworthy of my love stick are killed upon the sight of it."

Casey shrugged, "Yeah, it's okay, she was kind of a bitch."

* * *

Okay, there will be one more chapter after this and then no longer will anyone have to suffer the stupidity. But, this is dedicated to Casey and her wonderful skills of ACING her final! Good job, bbluv, proud of you~

Fare the well sluts!


	4. Chapter 4

The Tale of Theon's Cock

The fair maiden (lol not anymore) Casey had to leave soon after her rendezvous with Theon. Her ovaries began to ache soon after, and she realised just how much of a toll it took to be in the company of such a grand cock for so long. Her and her two remaining friends left, and the pub was left to return to its usual state. The good bard Dresslad continued his song with passion, and the dumb whore Bethyn washed the counters of throw up that had been the outcome of poor, unworthy Bonquiqui's death. Just another day in Westeros, only it was graced by the presence of Theon's cock. So, t'was just another cock-bless'd day in Westeros.

"THERE ONCE WAS A BOY NAMED JOFF, WHO COULDN'T EVER GET OFF," Sang Dresslad gallantly, catching the attention of Theon. Ballads dissing the boy king Joffrey Baratheon (lol lannister tho) had become quite popular in the North. Poor kid.

"ABANDONED AT BIRTH, AND LACKING IN MIRTH-"

"He's quite a dickhead, actually!" Theon finished for him with a laugh.

The entire pub cheered.

Yeah, it was a good life. Being loved by everyone (except daddy), respected and feared. He could probably get away with anything. In fact, he already had gotten away with murder, basically. Was there anything the master of cock could not do?

Though, to Theon, it wasn't enough. Almost every wench he came across in these lands proved to be unworthy of his company in the end. All the lasses were only good for one thing, and that was for the good ol' Alabama genie rubbing. Even then, that only lasted for a few moments. Would Theon ever find someone worthy of him? Or would everyone fall either under the line of worthiness. Was there such a thing as an equal to him? Were it possible, though, would he want it?

"Wha's the mattah, gorgeous?" Bethyn inquired, leaning over the bar and looking at Theon with an over exaggerated, whore-y pout.

Theon rolled his eyes, "Fuck off, Bethyn."

She giggled. And just when Theon thought there could be no worse thing than one giggling whore, there were two. They say two heads are better than one, but... in this case...

"HEY CUCKAMANIA," She was Southern. Of course, Theon though. Southrons and their annoying accents. He didn't know what "cuckamania" meant, nor why she had yelled it so loudly to him, but it didn't matter. She was just another whore with big breasts and an annoying voice.

"The name's Natasha," She exclaimed, pushing up her breasts, winking at the adoring crowd and tipping her cowboy hat before extending a hand in greeting. Theon ignored it, of course.

"Don't care." He was in no mood to deal with dumb women.

Bethyn whispered something to the new whore, Natasha, and she giggled in reply. For fucks sake, Theon thought to himself, rolling his eyes. Was it impossible for there to be enjoyable female company for more than thirty seconds? Good one, Theon laughed heartily at himself. If only masturbation and self marriage wasn't frowned upon.

Walking away from the bar, Theon sighed once more. The pile of Bonquiqui's ashes still had yet to be cleaned, and he thought of it as a sort of monument to his power. He could turn people to dust. I am the Bad Wolf, he thought to himself. A thousand leagues away, Balon Greyjoy punched a wall. He imagined himself as Rose Tyler from his favourite telly programme Doctor Who. Everything must come to dust. Wait, no, this is Westeros... never mind that.

A man cleared his throat loudly, and Theon turned to the bar where he saw a person standing on the counter. "TO THE WINDOOOOOOW... TO THE WALL! TILL THE SWEAT DROPS DOWN MAH BALLS! ALL DEM BITCHES CRAWL!" He appeared to be serenading a blonde girl with tits, though she looked positively horrified rather than honoured. It crossed Theon's mind to steal the girl away, but then he remembered that jack swagging was punishable by death in more than half the kingdoms in the Realm.

Just then, a loud bang awakened everyone from their reveries, and they all turned towards the door. It had been knocked down with a hammer, and to everyone's horror, Roose Bolton stood at the door. He looked at everyone for only a moment, before turning around and moonwalking into the pub. Theon shivered, there was something so off about those Boltons. Perhaps it was the flaying, or their creepy stares, how they giggled like Michael Jackson or that he subconsciously knew he'd soon have an unforgettable experience with Ramsay. Who knew?

But, what Theon did know was that he wanted to steer far from Lord Bolton. Not that he was scared of the man, of course. He just... didn't want to have to yield his great cock in battle. Yeah, Theon thought, Yeah, that's it. According to the common talkers, Roose had just a few days prior taken three peasants, Mira, Jeanina, and Mike, into his custody under the pretence of employment, but truly for his bastard to improve his flaying. No one really cared though. Those three were cuntholes anyway.

"Boy!" Roose called, motioning for Theon to sit next to him. Theon grudgingly put on a pleasant face, swaggering over and winking at a lady.

He bowed before the older man, knowing that manners made him look oh-so good to the ladies. "My Lord Bolton, a pleasure to see you."

Except Roose did not say anything in reply, instead he jumped up and picked Theon up with a single, gloved hand. "I THREW IT ON THE GROUND!" He screamed, throwing Theon on da ground before singing "This is it." and moonwalking away.

"What the fuck, I yell, What the fuck!"

"Theon, are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay, Theon?" The whores voice came, slightly louder than all the laughter in the bar. People were laughing at him. He couldn't tell who it was that was helping him up at first, but he finalised that it was Bethyn. He could feel the whorey-ness seeping through her fingers.

"Shut up!" He shouted, growing furious and pushing the whore away from him. How dare Roose embarrass Theon like that. How dare these peasants laugh at him. How dare they. Didn't Roose know who he was? Didn't all these commoners know?

"I am Theon Greyjoy! Heir to the Iron Islands! Lord of all Cocks! I will take what is mine with Iron and salt!"

"You're not Daenerys," GRRM whispered into the wind, and Theon stood up and glared at everyone.

"Fuck all y'all." He said, brushing the dust off of him and grabbing his things, "I don't need this shit! I am Theon Grey-"

"Stop." GRRM said.

Sighing, Theon pushed past everyone. "I'll go find people truly worthy of my great cock." He looked at the pub once more before opening the door to leave for the first time in four chapters.

"Fare thee well, sluts."

* * *

Woo, left off with a bit of change! No more pub for Theon! Where will he go from here?

You'll find out after the break.

xoxo meera


End file.
